So earlier I mentioned that I am a grad student abroad. Working on my dissertation. About to dazzle the word with scholarly knowledge. Yeah right. My undergrad was in Communication (Journalism) and Fashion Merchandising.I was planning to work in the fashion industry as a writer, but after I graduated a semester early, and could not even find a job in the field. Let me tell you, I am not remarkable. Not at all. I am not confident in my writing nor in my skills. I feel like I just flew by during undergrad. My GPA was like a 3.4 Not impressive at all. I just feel so stupid. People get the impression that I study and am studious, but really I am a slacker. I know I can do better. I know I can.
I am in grad school, and I am working hard. But, I know I can push myself even further. I always feel dumb compared to other people. I feel like a slacker. My friend here, she is so studious. I wish I had her drive. I don’t even study as hard. If I study I would probably be the perfect student. All my life of my parents and teachers telling me I can do it, I feel like I am failing them in a way. Don’t get me wrong, they were super supportive, I wish everyone could feel the love like I did. It is just that I want to make them proud. I want to fill their expectations. But, not for them, for me. For me. I want to be that good girl with brains. I want to be studious. This is not pressure or anything, this is me trying to find my way
My dissertation is going to be grand (not really). I really want to do it in the video game field. Video games and fan cultures. Why, you ask? Because it is something personal, something that I like, something I would not mind researching. if I have to spend the next 8 months working on something, I would rather it being on something I want to research in.
However, I cannot think of how specific I want to go. That is problem with any paper that I have written so far. Everything is good, but too vague. I am in the filed, I just need to concentrate on a spot. I really wish that I was assigned an adviser already so I can bounce off ideas. You know what bugs me about education, especially in the States? All my life, even in my undergrad, I was told what to write and how to write it. I was given assessments and specific questions. This is the first time where they told me I can do whatever I want. I could write about anime and manga if I wanted to (It was on the list but chose video games instead).
Basically this post is a pile of mess. It is all over the place. I really just needed to write something before I forget to write. Tomorrow I am trying to go to the library. I’ll probably just goof off, maybe write another post? If I do write another one tomorrow, it’ll be more interesting than this one. Wish me luck guys. I honestly need all the help and luck I can get.
Musings 